Losing my Virginity
I was 14 when I got into the main and only long-term relationship I’ve ever had. I had ‘boyfriends’ before then but they all only lasted a week or two.
This relationship lasted through the first 2 years of University and we lived together for one year and I was in love with him and trusted him. He was the first person I ever slept with at the age of 15 after about 4 months of being together.
Even though I do not regret losing my virginity to him and I’m very glad that it was with him I regret doing it so young.
This isn’t a reflection I’m only just having, 7 years on, but what I felt at the time. For me I felt a pressure, not really by him but in terms of the conversations I had with friends. I felt as if he would have been waiting for that and it was the logical next step. The thing is, whether you love someone or trust someone doesn’t necessarily mean you should have sex.
We had sex and for me it was quite painful, and I used to feel quite nauseous after or during. I even sometimes cried during sex. My boyfriend was very understanding and as soon as he noted that I wasn’t enjoying it, he would stop. The problem then was the feeling of guilt, I felt I should carry on because he wanted to. I ended up saying to him that I wanted to stop having sex for a while which I think at first he didn’t understand the gravity of what I was saying and that only stopped it for a couple of weeks.
I then brought it up again and explained that I thought we had started to early and for now I didn’t want to continue having sex for a little while – until I felt ready again. We then ended up having a break from sex for a good 3 or 4 months.
The important messages I would like to get out there is that 1) just because you’re in a relationship doesn’t mean you have to have sex, 2) don’t let other people asking about your sex life pressure you into feeling that you need one (most probably haven’t even had sex themselves yet) and 3) establish communication early on and make sure you are clear about what you mean and the other person understands what you mean.
Lastly, it is important to note that communication in sex is also key. If you don’t want to have sex or it is painful, or you are not enjoying it – let your partner/the other person know.
If you don’t feel comfortable saying directly then establish some code words or signals beforehand – you can make it fun by having a code word for meaning you like something and for meaning you don’t.